Dear Abby: Creep's presence keeps woman from attending get-togethers

A woman's friendship group often gathers for dinner at a local restaurant chosen by a rotating member each month. However, due to past trauma involving an acquaintance named Bob, one of the women has become anxious about attending these events if Bob's establishment is selected.

Twenty years ago, Bob broke into her home and stole items from her late husband's office, claiming he wanted to check on her after hearing no knocking sound at his door. Despite having never charged him with anything, she still feels terrorized by the experience. Her friends are aware of Bob's history and the owner's knowledge, but they continue to frequent his bar due to his friendly demeanor.

However, one friend advised that refusing to attend such gatherings when Bob's establishment is chosen might be the best course of action for her own well-being. Another suggested seeking professional help from a licensed therapist specializing in PTSD.

Meanwhile, another reader expressed concerns about finding long-term love after experiencing multiple failed engagements. They wonder if it's time to put their hopes on marriage on the backburner and explore alternative paths, including new hobbies and social activities that might broaden their horizons and lead them to like-minded individuals. Dear Abby advises this reader to take an active approach to building a fulfilling life by focusing on personal interests and meeting new people, rather than solely waiting for a romantic partnership.

OMG I'm totally with the girl who's having anxiety about going to Bob's bar! Like, what if she walks in and it feels like her worst nightmare all over again? Her friends should be more considerate of her feelings, you know? It's not just about not wanting to rock the boat or make a scene, it's about making sure she feels safe and comfortable. And girl, seeking therapy is a total yes from me! It's time for self-care and prioritizing that mental health, am I right?

I feel so bad for that lady who's still dealing with the trauma from 20 yrs ago . It's crazy how some ppl can be really friendly & likable but still hurt us in deep ways. Her friends are trying to help, but it's not easy to shake off those feelings of fear & anxiety.

I think seeking professional help is a great idea tho . A therapist could definitely help her work through her PTSD & develop coping mechanisms. And maybe she can set boundaries with Bob's bar by just avoiding it or not being alone there?

On a different note, I've noticed so many ppl my age putting their love lives on hold because of fears of heartbreak . Like, is it really worth waiting around for someone who might never show up? Maybe it's time to focus on building yourself as a person & finding activities you enjoy instead?

I feel so bad for the woman who's struggling with Bob's presence at her friend gatherings . I mean, can you imagine walking into that restaurant knowing he's behind the bar? It's no wonder she's anxious! But at the same time, it's great to see her friends are still willing to hang out there even though they know about his past .

I think seeking professional help is a great idea for anyone dealing with PTSD, and I'm glad that friend suggested it . It takes so much courage to face your fears and work through them.

As for the reader who's worried about finding long-term love, I don't know if putting hopes on hold is the right move . Marriage isn't everything, but sometimes having a partner by your side can make life feel more fulfilling. Maybe it's worth taking a chance and meeting new people? But at the same time, focusing on personal interests and hobbies can be amazing for growth too! I think what I'd say is to try both?

u know what's wild is how easily we think our friends' toxic pasts aren't a dealbreaker but then you meet someone who's been traumatized like that girl with Bob's bar it's crazy how one bad experience can shape us so much... idk about putting hopes on the backburner tho maybe its time to focus more on self-care & personal growth like Abby said?

This whole situation is super complicated... I mean, can you imagine having to choose between socializing with friends and dealing with PTSD triggers? It's like the government had to create laws for all sorts of situations we never thought would come up, right?

So here's what I think - if your friend wants to attend gatherings where Bob's bar might be the venue, she should have a clear plan B in place. Like, know the exit strategy or have a buddy who can watch her back. That way, if Bob does show up, she's not left feeling vulnerable and anxious.

And on another note, I'm wondering... how do we even regulate social activities to prevent potential trauma triggers? Are event organizers going to have to become therapists too? It's like, we're already dealing with so much in terms of public safety, now we gotta worry about our own personal trauma?

omg u gotta feel so bad 4 the lady who had her home broken into she can't even enjoy dinner w/ her friends cuz of that traumatic experience i mean, it's not fair that her friend group keeps going to bob's bar despite knowing his history it's like they're trying to put her comfort first but are kinda insensitive about it maybe she should talk 2 a therapist like abby suggested and also, gotta say, i'm a bit skeptical about finding love after failed engagements is it ever really too late 2 try again? or shd we just focus on ourselves and happiness first?

I think the woman in this situation needs to prioritize her own emotional safety, you know? She's been dealing with PTSD from that traumatic experience, and it's totally understandable she wouldn't want to relive those feelings just by hanging out at Bob's bar. Her friends are trying to be supportive, but they also haven't been through what she went through, so they might not fully understand her anxiety.

I think refusing to attend gatherings when Bob's establishment is chosen would be a great way for her to protect herself, and if that means missing out on social events with her friend group, then so be it. She needs to put her own needs first right now. And hey, building new hobbies and meeting new people can definitely help her meet like-minded individuals who'll appreciate her for who she is, not just as a friend from the past

OMG I feel so bad for that woman who's still dealing with PTSD from Bob's past trauma She's already had to relive her worst nightmare just thinking about attending events at his bar And honestly, her friends should be more understanding and accommodating – it's not like she can just 'get over it' I mean, the owner of Bob's bar knows what happened and shouldn't be pressuring them to hang out there anyway

On a separate note, I think Dear Abby has some valid points about finding long-term love It can be hard to put our hopes on marriage when we've had so many failed engagements But taking an active approach to building a fulfilling life is key – pursuing hobbies and social activities that bring us joy can definitely help us meet like-minded people

It's crazy how our minds can play tricks on us . This woman is still dealing with PTSD from 20 years ago and it's like her brain hasn't fully healed yet . I get why she's anxious about attending gatherings at Bob's bar, but refusing to do so might not be the solution . Hasn't she worked through some of those emotions by now? Maybe therapy could help her confront that fear head-on .

And then there's this other reader who's wondering if it's time to put romance on hold . I think they should focus on themselves first, get a good job, travel, try new things... all the stuff that'll make them happy and fulfilled . Marriage isn't everything in life, you know? It's just one part of the puzzle .

I think we can all relate to the anxiety of being in situations that trigger past traumas... it's like our brains are hardwired to anticipate danger, even when there's no actual threat . For this woman, refusing to attend gatherings at Bob's bar might be a valid choice for her own peace of mind, but it also raises questions about loyalty and friendships . It's a tough balance to strike between taking care of ourselves and not wanting to hurt others.

In life, we have to learn to prioritize our own emotional well-being, just like this woman is trying to do . But we can't just sit back and wait for things to get better - we need to take proactive steps towards healing and growth . Maybe it's time for her friends to step up and support her in a more meaningful way?

I totally get why she's anxious about going to Bob's bar . It's crazy how past traumas can still have such a strong impact on our lives, even if it's been 20 years since it happened . I think it's great that her friends are trying to support her, but sometimes it takes a more direct approach, you know? Like, yeah, maybe taking a break from Bob's bar might be the best idea for now . And can't blame her friend for suggesting therapy - PTSD is no joke . On a different note, I'm kinda intrigued by that reader who's wondering if they should put their hopes on marriage on the backburner . Maybe it's time to focus on themselves and find what makes them happy before getting into anything serious?

I gotta say, I'm all about being cautious when it comes to social situations . This woman's story is crazy - who breaks into someone's home and steals stuff? And she still has flashbacks from that experience? It's no wonder she's anxious about going out with her friends.

But, on the other hand, I feel for this woman's friends not getting it. They know about Bob's history, but they're still hanging out with him because he's 'friendly' . That's just not cool. Maybe they should take a page from this woman's book and prioritize their own well-being?

And can we talk about the whole dating scene for a sec? It's like, what's going on with all these failed engagements? Are people really that busy looking for love, or are they just settling for 'good enough'? I mean, I'm not saying marriage is out of the question (although, I do think it's overrated ), but maybe we should focus on finding fulfillment in other areas first. Like, have you tried rock climbing? It's actually pretty great!

ugh the advice from those friends is soo mixed idk if refusing to attend gatherings at Bob's bar is really the answer tho. doesn't that kinda stigmatize her further? and what about the others who might be affected by her anxiety? shouldn't they try to support each other instead of just saying "tough luck"? meanwhile i'm over here like why not take a proactive approach to building meaningful connections, aka put yourself out there and see what happens?

I feel so bad for the woman who had such a traumatic experience with Bob . Twenty years is still way too long to be haunted by someone else's actions... it's crazy that his friendly demeanor isn't enough to make her forget what happened. I think it's super valid that her friends are worried about her and want to protect her, but at the same time, maybe she should try some therapy or something to work through those feelings? It's like, her mental health is still affected by this guy all these years later...

And omg what's up with people always putting love first in their lives? Like, is it really that hard to find someone who loves you for who you are? Take the advice from Dear Abby and focus on yourself, build new hobbies and meet new people! Who knows, you might just find your soulmate along the way . And btw, isn't it time we all stopped romanticizing long-term love and started focusing on our own happiness instead?

People don't see they're trapped in other people's pictures of perfection and miss the picture in front of them.

I think its kinda cool how the woman's friends are aware of Bob's history but still wanna hang out at his bar... like, they're trying to support her, but also not wanna cut ties with him completely . Maybe they can find ways to make Bob feel more included without making her uncomfortable? Like, maybe she just sits in a different part of the bar or something .

And omg, I totally get why this woman is anxious about attending gatherings if Bob's place is chosen... it's traumatic stuff! But seeking help from a therapist is a great idea too... like, professional help can be super beneficial in processing those feelings and moving forward . And as for the reader who's wondering about finding long-term love after multiple failed engagements... I think its awesome that they're taking an active approach to building a fulfilling life ! Maybe they just need to focus on themselves for a bit, try new things, and see what happens? Who knows, maybe online dating or joining a club will be the ticket

This is such a tricky situation for the woman. I think her friends are all coming from a good place, but their suggestions might be helpful in hindsight. I mean, who wants to associate Bob's bar with anxiety and fear? But at the same time, doesn't refusing to attend gatherings because of his establishment sound like giving in to fear? Maybe seeking professional help is a better option - talking to someone who understands PTSD could really help her work through those feelings.

And on a separate note, I feel for that reader who's struggling with failed engagements and wondering if marriage is even an option anymore. It can be tough when you're not seeing what others are seeing (or experiencing). But maybe taking control of your own life by exploring new hobbies and interests could lead to some amazing things... like meeting people who share your passions!

I think it's super reasonable for her friend group to prioritize her feelings, you know? Like, if she's genuinely scared of going to that bar after everything Bob did, it's not cool for them to just expect her to be fine with it. And y'know what's even more important than finding love? Taking care of yourself and dealing with PTSD - that's some serious stuff . It's good that Dear Abby is saying everyone should focus on building a fulfilling life, 'cause sometimes you gotta put your own happiness first before worrying about finding the perfect partner

I feel so bad for that woman who's still dealing with Bob all these years later ... I mean, 20 years is way too long to be living in fear of someone. It's not just about Bob himself, it's also about how the owner knows what happened and yet his establishment is still being frequented by their friend group .

I think it's really brave of that one friend who suggested she seek help from a therapist, PTSD can be really debilitating if left untreated . And I get why the others are trying to be supportive, but maybe they just don't understand what she's going through .

But you know what really got me thinking about this? The second letter where that reader is wondering if it's time to put their hopes on marriage on the backburner . I mean, I'm all for exploring alternative paths and finding your own happiness, but sometimes I think we just need to acknowledge our vulnerability and let ourselves be vulnerable too . Maybe it's okay to take a chance on love and see where it takes us?